Am I neurotic or what ? Again today has been an instance of how the Methodist Church can treat its Ministers badly, and yet I`ve got to continue as if nothing has happened. I`ve waited over five months for news about a situation within the Church only to be told today that it no longer applies. The previous five months have affected my thinking, my hopes and dreams for the future, my family situation and yet today’s letter comes with no apology for the change of thinking; just a “this is whats happening, now get on with it !” mentality. I feel seriously gutted and incredibly hurt. It feels as though I`m no more than a resource to be used and discarded at will, and NOT God`s will at that.
And to top it all, who can I tell ? My Church members, a wonderful and beautiful crowd, still need a Minister and I have to be that Minister for them. Inside I`m desperately hurting and yet I have to continue with the day to day things of Ministry. Don`t get me wrong, I love my life here in Ripley, but at times I just want to chuck the whole lot away and disappear.
I know that everyone in the Bible felt like that at times as well. Elijah fleeing in despair after his success on the mountain, Moses not being allowed into the promised land, Peter denying Jesus, Paul and Barnabus having a row………………………………. Everyone of them must have wondered “Is it worth it ?” Thankfully they must have answered “YES” otherwise we wouldn`t be here now, I wouldn`t have been boring you rigid with this drivel, and you would have better things to do.
Lord, help me to see your hand in all this and to find the way forward, `cos its damned hard right now.